i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
