i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
