I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
You're like the curious george of whores
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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