Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
