Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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