then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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