a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
