Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
