so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
