i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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