I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
