i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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