Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize