So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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