giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
