Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Randomize
