sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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