i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I look better un-naked...
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
