bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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