is your mom at the bar?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Randomize