Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
