If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize