i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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