Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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