chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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