I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
