Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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