Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
