After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
