Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
