hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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