I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
