I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
