There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
