So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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