NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
