It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
