drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
