theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
