I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
