My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
