bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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