you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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