But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
