no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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