her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
