all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
