Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
