We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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