I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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