You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
