The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
