my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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