im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
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