I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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