she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
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