Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
