Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize