I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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