threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
